To The Lady Behind The Wheel

Dear Lady,

I think it is high time we have this conversation. I have held what I have to tell you for too long and now it is time I let it out. My psychiatrist tells me that I should let my emotions out, verbalise more, talk more and let people know what I am feeling. She tells me that it will make me feel better. So here goes, "What on earth is wrong with you?"

I am a generous driver on the road, each time you ask me to give you a chance to join the road I gladly give it to you. Even if I am late for a meeting, I still let you join and go ahead of me. I have been patient with you, because I am a courteous driver. I do not even mind when you do not acknowledge my generosity on the road. When you do not flick your tail lights after I have let you through or when you do not wave at me in appreciation. None of that really bothers me.

Manje iwe, when it is my turn to ask for the same kindness to be bestowed upon me awe I get the shock of my life. Each time I ask to join the road that is when you even turn your ka head the other direction, like you haven't seen me. When I try to nudge my car ahead to test and see if you will allow me through, then you even press on the accelerator. Ala. All attempts to flash my lights to you as a signal have been ignored. Many times I put my hands together begging you that, "Dear Lady please give me a chance," you then hoot at me and tell me to fuseke. What surprises me the most you even do these things in a traffic jam when clearly there is nowhere you are going. I am speechless lady behind the wheel. I have to wait for my fellow gentleman to give me a chance to join the road.   

My psychiatrist says that vengeance is not mine and I should not mind what you do to me, but wapya. They say, 'Revenge is dish best served cold' I will serve mine with a Toyota Carina. Do not dare ask me for a chance to join the road, the way I will give you the evil eye it will rain in this drought. Even if you smile at me, your car shall not go before me. Hell hath no fury like a Carina driver scorned. Whether you drive a Vitz, Navara or Mercedes you are NOT joining. If you dare me, I hope you have insurance because we shall just bump into each other. Find other drivers to give you chance on the road, because my kindness towards you has expired. So next time you ask me to let you through my response will be a loud, GIGO.

Yours faithfully,

Frustrated Brotha

Who Are The Satanists?

Did you know that we have special people roaming among us? I really do not know what they look like, so I cannot point at one for you. Still that does not mean that they do not exist. They seem to have some super powers these special people. Yet again I cannot really tell you what these super powers are. These special people scare a lot of people. Even the Copperbelt Minister Mwenya Musenge is afraid of these special people. The one thing that I do know for sure is that these special people have a name. They are called Satanists.

The question that people are asking is who exactly are these Satanists? What planet did they come from? Is it Mars, Jupiter or Pluto? Just how did they come to find themselves possessing so much power that even a minister can be afraid of them. There must be something peculiar about them because they have the ability to shake this Christian Nation to the core. If this was a Nigerian movie this is the scene where I say, "Igwe must know about this."

Even though we do not know exactly what these Satanists look like the Copperbelt Minister Mwenya Musenge has been gracious enough to give us a clue of what we should look for. When someone or a group of people want to set up a mortuary project especially in an area like Nkana West, just know they could be Satanists. After all which sensible human being thinks of putting up a mortuary when hospitals and clinics are overwhelmed with dead bodies. And to top it off Nkana West is an already developed area it does need any more mortuaries than it already has no matter how insufficient. The minister has given us a blue print of what to look for, so funeral parlour owners and coffin makers we are watching you.

It is not only the minister who has an idea of what these Satanists look like. Ordinary people too seem to have an idea of the characteristics of the Satanists. If someone is becoming rich and successful, right there the light bulbs should be going on. No one can have money, build houses, and go on vacations out of hard work and dedication. Such things do not happen in Zambia. Even though we do not see the sweat and tears that they have to endure, we do not care. Our neighbours do not deserve to have a good life, we are supposed to suffer together after all. We must do everything in our power to make sure we stick together. Look carefully if they have grey hair they have sacrificed some years, these Satanists can be dangerous.

So since I still do not have an idea what these Satanists look like. I will be looking at every person very carefully. Maybe I can smell them, detect something fishy from them. The super powers they have need to be dealt with. Perhaps we should hire some bounty hunters to capture them on our behalf, we definitely cannot have Satanists roaming around carelessly. 

SMEs and Entrepreneurs Quick Guide to the 2016 Budget

It is no secret that these are difficult times for Zambia, and the budget which was presented by Honourable Alexander Chikwanda, Minister of Finance on 9 October 2015 was supposed to shed some light on the coming year. Different people, look for different things in the 22-page document. Employees want to know if there have been changes to Pay As You Earn or ministries want to know if their funding has been increased or decreased. But what did this budget have for the Small and Medium Enterprises who have been one of the hardest hit or the entrepreneur who is seeking to make an invest that will reap rewards. If you are an SME or entrepreneur the pronouncements below should grab your attention

Budget briefcase

Agriculture

There is nothing significantly new in this year's budget for people interested in agriculture. It is also a roll over from last year's budget. There is still a strong emphasis on fish farming, either the minister likes fish or there is potential there that Zambians should start paying attention to. The minister has gone one step further by setting up the Fisheries Development Fund to provide K5 million credit to small scale fish farmers. Farming bream may just be looking attractive.

Energy

Perhaps one of the most disappointing elements of the budget was the energy section. There were elements for long term investments by making the electricity pricing more attractive. The message for the SME is brace yourself the energy crisis will not be solved anytime soon.

Tourism

The government has scheduled operations for a national airline to commence in 2016 which is meant to attract tourists to the country, but I would not be holding my breath for this. Apart from that there was nothing for the SME or entrepreneur here. For a country that talks of diversifying its economy it is a disappointment there wasn't more here.

Manufacturing

This had perhaps the most substance of the other sectors. The minister mentioned the Value Chain Cluster Development Programme to promote local value addition. The areas for this programme are mango juice production, processing fish (fish appears again), rice, dairy, cotton, honey and forestry products. The programme is being implemented in 42 districts and their plans to expand. Further, there are plans to recapitalise the Development Bank of Zambia, and National Savings and Credit Bank to support SMEs. Also as of 1 September 2015, it is now mandatory for all public sector departments to procure locally manufactured goods for all contracts which are valued at K3 million or less. If I was a manufacturing company I would make every public department  know what I manufacture.

Mining

Absolutely nothing

Transport and Infrastructure Development

Some road projects have been reserved for companies where Zambians hold 50.1 percent of the shares. These are road projects for the Link Zambia 8000 programme.

Where is the Money?

§  K5 million for Fisheries Development Fund

§  K187.5 million to Citizens Economic Empowerment Fund

§  K150 million to the Action Plan on Youth Employment and Empowerment

§  K35.7 million to Women's Economics Empowerment Funds

§  K49.5 million for youth skills training and development

Taxes Up or Down?

PAYE- No changes

Beer- I tried to understand the rationale for this but could not find one. The minister said it was to promote the manufacturing sector, I do not see how. The minister plans to suspend excise duty on clear beer to 40 percent from 60 percent. I guess beer could be the secret formula to start our manufacturing revolution.

Property- Property transfer tax has been reduced from 10 percent to 5 percent. Hopefully more people will be selling their houses and land soon and paying the tax.

TV and Radio- Lucky are they who plan to set up TV and radio stations. The minister proposes to suspend customs duty on transmission apparatus for television and radio for a period of two years.

Wood- Export duty of 40 percent will be placed on unprocessed wood and 20 percent on semi processed wood. Further, customs duty increases to 40 percent on all wood and wood products.

Edible oils- Customs duty rate on refined edible oils doubles from K2.20 to K4.0 per litre. This is meant to make imported edible oils more expensive and encourage local production.

Motor Vehicles- There is bad news for the vehicle traders and buyers. A surcharge of K2,000 will be placed on motor vehicles older than five years from date of manufacture. This means any vehicle that was made before 2010 will carry this charge on top of the customs and excise duty. The exception is trucks and buses.

The charges to the taxes will take effect on 1 January 2016.

The greatest beneficiaries from the 2016 budget are SMEs and entrepreneurs in the manufacturing sector. A lot of the tax breaks and incentives are given to the sector which is a  positive. There are a few sprinkles here and there for other sectors too such as people interested in fish production. It is not an exciting budget and it is pretty much carried forward from 2015. One big disappointment is that there is nothing extraordinary in the tourism sector pronouncement even though it is a foreign exchange earner and one that we have a relatively competitive advantage to other countries in the region. SMEs and entrepreneurs have a few opportunities that they can exploit and for some of the sectors funding should be readily available. Overall on a score of 1 to 10. I would give this budget a 6.

5 Bright Spots of the President's Speech

President Edgar Lungu made his address to parliament today. It was his first address to the august house as Zambian president. The speech that was delivered has been received with mixed reviews by the public. Some have said there was nothing new, while others have even gone as far as saying that it was an inspiring speech. I do not think I can call it an inspiring speech but it did have certain things I liked about it. These are the five things that I liked about the president's speech.

1. Tribalism

He made a statement about tribalism and the need for us to do away with it. He said that he embarked on a crusade to promote unity in the nation. He called on opposition and traditional leaders to help him in this cause. We all know what tribalism can do to countries that do not squash it, so it was good that he mentioned this. I would have loved though if he added a lit bit of a threat in there as well. The consequences to people caught practising tribalism.

2. E-Government

The recognition that the internet can be used to provide an efficient service is very welcome. This can be a first step towards not only making processes faster but also reducing corruption. I hope that this will be the impetus needed for the ministries that do not have websites to start developing them.

3. Creatives

There is some hope for people in the creative industry. Especially with the digital migration that took place this year. The president did say that through the production of television local content it could be an avenue for job creation. And I absolutely agree with him. I just hope that the necessary support will be provided to see this come into fruition.

4. Mental Health

I have always been concerned at the way mental illness is treated in Zambia. It is often something that has not taken centre stage in health debates. It has been pushed under the carpet. It is good that the president addressed it in his speech. He said there was need to promote and protect the rights of people with mental disorders. I give him a thumbs up on this.

5. Zedupad

By 2017 half of school going children in the country will have a Zedupad. This is the right kind of thinking. This should provide more children access to learning resources that is currently lacking. The challenge now is how to make this feasible.

I now hope that the bright spots that were in this speech will actually become a reality. All we can do at this moment is watch and wait.

Why the Pull Him/Her Down (PHD) Syndrome is Good

There are many people that achieve great things in their lives. Many people attribute the reasons for their success to God, the support of their family and friends, hard work, and perseverance. But the strange thing is that few ever thank the haters. The ones who did not believe, the ones who criticised, and the ones who wrote them off. Perhaps no one thinks the haters are worthy of any mention at all, maybe this needs a rethink.

Zambia is blessed with a lot of creative minds. There are writers, musicians, painters, sculptors, entrepreneurs and many others. Some of these individuals churn out some pretty impressive stuff while others do some pretty horrible stuff too. However, in this arena you need to tread carefully and be very cautious with what you say. Any criticism could be seen as a PHD syndrome. Many people have even gone as far as attributing that the reason why Zambians are unsuccessful is because we do not support each other. We are expected to blow the trumpet for each other, pretend we like each other's work, and praise everything even mediocrity, just so we can be socially correct.

When an artist releases a song and a few people say that the song sucks they are viciously attacked and called haters. People then pull out the PHD Syndrome card as a way to shut them down so that everyone else can ignore them. For example, B-Flow recently wrote an open letter to Taylor Swift for her 'Wildest Dreams' music video. An unknown artist called Portia Clark then criticised it on Facebook. What happened next was an army of people criticising what she had done. Some called her a hater, a PHD individual, and others even suggested that she should have sent him a private message instead.  My take on this is that just because B-Flow is Zambian it does not mean that I am bound to praise and support everything he does. I should do so based on its merit. On the suggestion that Portia should have sent B-Flow a private message is ridiculous, B-Flow made his letter public so too there should be no problem with any praise or critique given in public. As I write this blog, I know that there will be people who will like this piece and there are those who will not. If I am criticised will I curl up at a corner and cry. Hell no. By making this piece public I should be also willing to take on any criticism that comes in. I do not expect everyone to sing Kumbaya  with me and send positive energy my way.

Haters do not receive the credit that they deserve. They have motivated people to work harder just to prove them wrong and in the process they have succeeded. They have given people a second opinion even though it may have been unsolicited. Haters have provided people the inspiration to write songs, paint, and write books. Yet none of them even claimed any royalties. They have brought people down to earth. Showing them that not everyone is singing their praise and applauding their every action. Haters have toughed up people by training them to develop the resilience to survive in the tough creative industries. Let us not forget the free publicity that haters provide. Haters do have an integral part in our society even though they are often misunderstood as having the PHD Syndrome. What might need consideration is what actually constitutes PHD Syndrome.

I do not agree with the use of PHD Syndrome card every time someone criticises something. Also we cannot also dictate to people how they should criticise. We cannot also tell them to be gentle, kind, and positive while they are criticising. People will always have different tastes, likes and dislikes. Haters should not be crucified instead their place in your success stories should be recognised, because whether you like it or not, the haters are going nowhere. So deal with it.

'Preferably White Lady' Job Requirement Offends

If ever I was to give an advertising class, I would definitely use Ikulile Initiative Enterprise advert in the Post on 17 August 2015 as an example of how not to advertise. For a company that wants to recruit individuals it really has an idea of what type of candidates they are looking for. They just fell short of providing a sketch of what the preferred employee should look like. Perhaps the most disturbing thing of this job advertisement is the PA to the CEO position that stated that "Preferably a white lady". Now I am definitely sure this was not affirmative action that people talk about. This has sparked social media into an uproar but is it necessary?

I am sure that Ikulile must by now have realised this was a grave error, but let me just imagine why the PA to the CEO should preferably be a white lady. The first theory is that the CEO thinks a black, brown, yellow, purple or green lady is not as competent as the white lady. Second theory, the CEO who I am presuming is white does not want to work with any other person outside his race. Third theory is that the CEO wanted to ensure some diversity into the work environment. My fourth and final theory is that the person who wrote the advertisement did not have the write vocabulary to write the advert appropriately. Therefore, instead of saying preferably female they meant females are encouraged to apply or instead of white lady it should have been.... Okay I have no alternative for this one. None of these theories warrant the placing of the advertisement.

This advert has disgusted many people on social media making their anger known. They have vented their annoyance on all know social media platforms. They have called for the crucifixion of the company that placed the advert. They have called upon the labour officers, the minister of the Ministry of Labour and even the president to do something about it. On the other hand, I am failing to get offended. I am trying so hard to join the band wagon of condemnation of this advert but my emotions are not just been stirred. The reason is not that I condone the wording of the advert but rather whether this is even a genuine company worth my anger. There are many question marks that cause me to doubt the authenticity of this company, if anything it might be a scam. I highlight the reasons below:

• Email address- bonsebese@gmail.com. Most companies worth their salt will not be using gmail as their official email address.

• It wants to offer housing empowerment to civil servants and ordinary Zambians. So civil servants are some extraordinary Zambians? They are clearly targeting civil servants who have a steady flow of monthly income.

• The estate development fee of K20,000 (minimum) is rather suspicious. Is it for the advisory services or the building materials. They state after all that they are a construction advisory services enterprise.

• All job positions have preferably female not older than 35 or 40 years old. Any reason why this company is so keen on having only females below a certain age? They might want the females to lure potential male customers to the business and few would suspect them to be dishonest.

• Then the preferably white lady. This is a clear indication of the credibility of the management, if there is any at all.

• It then states 'Bring your CV to the mentioned address before 28th August 2015. Note: Interview upon CV presentation'. For some of the high positions they are recruiting for, it is rather odd that you will have the interview immediately.

Based on the suspicious reasons I have raised, I find it difficult to be fuming over the advert. It is just not worth the energy. On the other hand, had this been a proper well established company then the frustration in me would have hulkalised, but until then I will save it for another day.

The Trouble with Describing Zambia

I had the opportunity to play the role of being a tourist a couple of weeks ago. I was visiting four cities in four different countries. Namely, Paris (France), Brussels (Belgium), Cologne (Germany) and Amsterdam (Netherlands). As I was on this trip as a tourist, I could not help but get a nostalgic feeling about my very own Livingstone. The town that is supposed to be our tourist capital and the contrast was stark and often times it left me frustrated. There is something that we are not doing right with our tourism industry.

Zambia is still relatively unknown to most people outside the African continent. I would think that by mentioning I come from the country that has the Victoria Falls it would immediately click in people's minds that I am referring to Zambia. Nope. Usually the response was, "You are from Zimbabwe?". I had to say, "No Zambia, we share the Victoria Falls with Zimbabwe." And if by any chance the person I was talking to did not know Zimbabwe either, all I had to mention was the name Robert Mugabe and voila, everyone knew him. Surely Zambia cannot be that obscure from the rest of the world that we do not have much to offer the world. Once we have successfully shot down all our lions and cheetahs, I am afraid we may delve into further obscurity.

I will admit despite the song that every president for the last 25+ years has been singing about the diversification of the economy by exploiting the tourism sector, we have hardly made a dent on the global tourism landscape. I was in Livingstone during Easter 2014, and noticed that even though some progress had been made in our tourist capital there was need for it to be accelerated even further. Besides Livingstone is not the cheapest place to be a tourist, especially if you are a local one, with the exception of the falls and museum most activities are pricey. During my four-country trip there were plenty of free things to do in these cities. I was able to grasp a few lessons that I will share.

Paris, France

Wall of Love

Paris is the most visited city in the world and I believe it deserves all the accolades bestowed upon it. There is plenty to do in Paris apart from the must visit to the Eiffel Tower, the city offers plenty of free activities for tourists on a budget. They have well manicured parks, sculptures, the Arc de Triomphe, Champs-Élysée, and the Notre Dame Cathedral. However, I wish to bring your attention to a wall. Yes the Wall of Love. Basically that is all it is a wall with the words 'I Love You' in languages from around the world scribbled on it. You can imagine the number of tourists who trek there to take their pictures. Of course, I was able to find Ndakuyanda, Nimakukonda and Nalikutemwa on it. We need a wall too.

Brussels, Belgium

Waffles

Despite its relatively small size to other capital cities in Europe, Brussels has been able to squeeze out the cash from the tourists by successfully marketing their food. Anchoring this marketing vehicle is their chocolates and waffles. It is all you ever hear about, "You need to taste the chocolates and waffles". Even if you have no desire for chocolates and waffles whatsoever, and chips too, it almost feels like you are committing a grave sin if you do not taste them. Therefore, you are obliged to buy the chocolates and waffles just to tick the box. Imagine if finkubala, inswa, mabuyu, nshima, were marketed in the same way as must taste dishes for every tourist.

Cologne, Germany

Love Lock Bridge

Cologne had a bridge that is known as  the 'Love Lock Bridge'. A similar bridge was also in existence in Paris but the locks were removed two days before I got there. This is simply a bridge where people go to put locks on. However, it is the story behind the placing of the locks that drive thousands of tourists there to put locks on the bridge. The story is that couples go to the bridge and place the lock there as a sign of locking their love. They then toss the key into the Rhine river, signifying that their love will last forever. I admit, a number of them must have broke-up by now, but the gesture itself is worth doing. Once again, imagine if we developed a story that if you go with your loved one to the knife bridge when the falls is in full force and you both get socked and kiss, blessings will shower on your relationship. Something more creative than that can be made up.

Amsterdam, Netherlands

I AMSTERDAM

Words. Words that spelt out I AMSTERDAM pronounced as I AM AMSTERDAM. Kwasila. It is a cliché to take your picture by these letters in Amsterdam but who cares. Thousands still do it. It is almost impossible to get a clear shot of the words because there always people clamouring around it. It has become a must visit place for tourist. Zambia can have something similar, it can be the sculpture of the big five, the map of Southern Province, a tusk, something that we can associate Livingstone or any city with it.

As I was planning the trip, the first thing that came to my mind was, what free things to do. This was not a luxurious trip, when I am rich I will do one. This was purely on a budget. Zambia has many things it can capitalise on with proper marketing. Even though playing parks have almost vanished in the country and the lions and cheetahs are been shot down for fun, there is more that we can use to attract visitors to the country and raise its profile. It just requires a bit of creativity, innovation, weird stories and effective marketing to get the ball rolling. It is also time we enhanced the visibility of the country's other tourists spot and strategically placing sculptures, walls or anything we come up with might be one way of doing so. I am tired of having to describe Zambia as the country that has the Victoria Falls or the country that won the Africa Cup in 2012. One day I should be able to say the country that makes the best nshima, and everyone will know which country am referring to.