Why Chipolopolo! Why!!

I am in so much pain that I just want to scream, cry and shout at this moment. We have been knocked off our pedestal as the champions of Africa. I almost never watched the final game because I felt that I could not handle the emotion. So I began preparing myself for an exit before the Burkina Faso game. I am so glad I did that. This is not a piece about encouragement, if that is what you are looking for I would advise you to stop reading now. For this is a piece by a frustrated, a very frustrated BROTHA.

The chaps go in camp for over a month, spend my tax payers money in hotels and globetrot from Saudi Arabia to Tanzania and South Africa. We dangle US$90, 000 in front of their eyes. All they had to do was sneeze and we gave them what they required. We supported them with every breath and sweat our bodies could release. And WOW! What do the lads go and do, put up such an appalling display.

I do not care if you play beautiful football, slick passes, artistic dribbling, have 61% ball possession, give me BLOODY GOALS!!!!!! Is that too much to ask? We go to South Africa our beloved backyard so we say and we go and draw all our matches. I can excuse the chaps for the Nigeria draw but to draw with Ethiopia and Burkina Faso, are you kidding me. Chipolopolo I am gravely disappointed and I hope each one of you reads this blog.

To the players when you represent as the Zambia National Team, please understand that you are a team, and not the bunch of selfish fellows that you paraded yourselves as in the first two games. What nonsense was that? There is what we call passing the ball in football. I guess that lesson is slowly losing its value in you. Our strikers iye sure.  Where is the power in legs? There is a serious drought in that department. You call fluffs as shots. The chances we created all went begging. I am tired of watching a game of ohhhhhs and ahhhhhs. Give me something to celebrate.

After you were booted out, not a single one of you shed a tear. Show me some passion and that you really wanted it. I hope that when you went to your rooms you cried. I hope you cried real hard because you broke my heart. Reflect on this moment and missed opportunity for a long time. May the disappointment still linger in your minds for a long time to come; so that the next time you step onto that pitch it is not only for YOU. It is for all the faithful fans of Chipolopolo.  I think I am entering into an episode of depression; I may need psychological help to get through this phase.

Iwe Herve Renard, thank you for making us win the AFCON 2012 but do not bank on that victory forever. You know us Zambians we forget quickly and if things don’t improve we will show you the door. The signs were smacking you in the face and you did not do anything about it. We survived by the skin of our buttocks against Uganda, lost to Saudi Arabia, Tanzania, Angola, and drew with Morocco and Norway. Clearly results that champions cannot be proud of. What is even more annoying is that you kept giving me hope that Chipolopolo will make it to the quarters. Quarter final yanga ili kuti? I think it is about time that you did some pruning and inject some new and hungry blood into that team. Retire some of those old fellows they have served their country well. Please allow them to retire with dignity before we push them out.

It will take me a long time to get over this disappointment. I hope you really feel the tons of disappointments we have and I pray that you confess that you did not do your best. We have seen your best when you won the AFCON 2012. You owe us an apology each and every one of you owe mother Zambia an apology. We might just forgive you for this shortcoming if you qualify us to the world cup, so you can still redeem yourselves. Oh by the way, this is not for you Kennedy Mweene, you were outstanding.

Chipolopolo Draw Opener, Pullout Your Calculators

The African Cup of Nations did not begin on Saturday 19 January 2013, for me it actually began on Monday 21 January 2013. It was the day the defending champions, Chipolopolo would open their campaign to defend their title against the minnows Ethiopia. How ironic that we are beginning to consider other teams minnows, when 11 months we were in the same category. There was much anticipation leading to this match because even though we as fans were cautious, we expected the likes of Christopher Katongo, Rainford Kalaba, Stophilla Sunzu and Collins Mbesuma aka King David to bulldoze their way to three points. Well King David did actually bulldoze his way to a goal, but that is all we wrote.

                                                            

This was supposed to be a game we should have finished, buried and sealed with titanium given the flurry of chances that we had. The entire nation was hoping for that, we left work in good time, endured the traffic and had our vuvuzelas in hand and what do Chipolopolo go and do, put up that display. Yes, I am disappointed and it is actually hurting. I think it is about time we started writing the obituary for this Chipolopolo at this AFCON. I know many people will call be a doomsayer, a pessimist, a ball of negative energy. Go ahead, I don’t care. Anyone who takes my heart on rollercoaster ride like that, and leaves me feeling as if the world just ended deserves every inch of my frustrated mind.

First of how did we just draw that game?  We drew but it very much feels like a loss. First Mr. Reliable, Kennedy Mweene saves a penalty, Ethiopia has a man sent off, Mbesuma scores before the stroke of half-time. The football gods were definitely doing us some favours, but what did we do with that? We drew. Clearly the spark of 2012 was gone it was not there in whatever shape or fashion. It was more of individualistic performances and selfishness than team spirit that was paraded before us. I am sure a number of them want to shine in their own glory so that the European clubs can come knocking on their door. I am no football analyst so I will not care to state whether Herve Renard’s tactics were miscalculated or the substitutions were wrong. It is not my concern at the moment. When I sit in front of a television to watch my beloved Chipolopolo, all I want is a win. I do not care how we get it red cards, penalties, hand balls, just give me a win.

Let me also take this opportunity to talk about that jersey the boys were wearing. It is ugly. No more needs to be said than that. It is a far cry from the exquisite green and side-striped jersey that we won the trophy in. I do not know who is responsible for designing that tragedy of a piece of clothing. Someone in the design department of Nike should be fired. The jersey looks like something made in a high school tailoring class. I will stick to the green and side-striped jersey until Nike and FAZ get their act together.

While I was spitting venom into this piece Nigeria and Burkina Faso were playing. When Nigeria scored the first goal in the 22^nd minute my heart died a little. I was already seeing our tombstone. Then the football gods did us one last favour, Burkina Faso equalised in the last minute of extra time. The Chipolopolo boys have been given another chance to redeem themselves and let’s pray they take it with both hands. So for now the calculators can stay where they are, we might have to make use of them later in the final game if Chipolopolo do not play like champions.

Only Liars Make New Year's Resolution

            We are back to that time of the year again, where the majority of people lie to themselves that they will live better lives. We will exercise more, complain less, get closer to God, finally propose, quit our boring jobs and get rid of everything else that is an inconvenience in our lives. Almost everyone has some kind of resolution for this year, whether one chooses to write them or not, it is their decision. Let us not deceive ourselves, resolutions are all nice to talk about but in reality we will be lucky if we even achieve half of them.

            Yes I hate to put a dampener on your jolly happy year, forget about those prosperous and happy new years you received. They are just words and in case you haven’t yet realised it, words are a lot easier to dish out than actions. So I will try to bring it back into perspective and give you a reality check. This year is not going to be better than last year. Come next year this time around, the chances that you will probably have the same resolutions will probably be high. The one thing that will certainly change is your age that I can guarantee anything else I wouldn’t bet my life on it.

            Do not be discouraged by this news, you are just one of the billions of people in the world who make resolutions and who fail to achieve any of them. I have no idea what you hope to achieve this year, lose weight, pray more, get rich or finally hand in that resignation letter. Spare yourself the disappointment you are unlikely to achieve any of them. It is not that you do not have it in you to accomplish your resolutions; it is just that you can’t. Like the rest of the overzealous individuals who write their plans and even have themes for the year, you will do what pretty much everyone else does- procrastinate.

            When January is done and dusted you will convince yourself that you still have 11 months to start working on your resolutions, by April you will scold yourself slightly and allow yourself to believe that your still have time. By the time October breezes through you will psyche yourself and even say that it is not how you start but how you finish, yeah right. Before you realise, it will be 31 December and you will be counting down to the new year where you will contemplate writing a New Year’s Resolution.

            Clearly, why do you have to wait for 1 January to change something about your life? Surely if you were really serious and committed to change something about your life, you would not wait for New Year’s Day to do so. It is not like some miracle or supernatural event happens on 1 January. If we remove the fireworks and the fact that it is a public holiday it is just an ordinary day. For the love of excuses we use New Year resolutions as a tipping point for our lives. So each year we continue making the same resolutions over and over again. Let us continue to lie to ourselves that we can be better, wiser, smarter, and happier if we make New Year resolutions.

            I am not stopping you from making your New Year resolutions they are good if you follow through, but we all know the truth. When we ring in 2014 you will ask yourself what happened to the year gone by and the resolutions unachieved. You will have a resolution on your 2014 resolution list to accomplish your resolutions for that year and the cycle will continue. If this will be the case, why should we care about resolutions once again?

2012 The Year in Frustration & Not So Frustrating Events

I have decided to hold onto releasing this list till the very last day of 2012. I was anticipating that something very frustrating would happen to cap my year off in style. Unfortunately, nothing of any grandiose proportion happened hence, we can safely sum up the year. I reckon we have already said our Goodbyes and Au revoirs to 2012. However, as a Frustrated Brotha I decided to reflect on a year that has been. So below are my top 10 events that marked my year of frustrations and others that tried to transform me into a more content brotha.

10.       Oh Crap! Big Brother is Back

This is one show that we love to hate. The 2012 show was known for both voluntary evictions and expulsions due to physical altercations, one most prominent DKB slapping Zainab. This violence was not condoned by Big Brother and they were both booted out. And yes how could we forget the escapades of our very own Talia in the house.  I will still stick to my suggestion; they need to put some ex-prisoners in that house to add some real tension and drama. It is what we all want after all isn’t it?

9.         Hello Mobile Networks. You Suck, Suck and Suck!

As long as you own a mobile phone, I am sure you have been subjected to some pretty pathetic service by our network providers. In 2012, the mobile networks took customer careless services to another level. We had to endure congested networks, dropped signals, unreachable customer care, rude customer service operators, irritating promotions and the list is endless. Surely, the theme for 2012 was ‘The Year of Ultimate Sucking’. I fear what their 2013 theme is, I cringe at the thought. Vodacom please come to our rescue, I begg’O.

8.         Maids Are Human Too

Who can forget the backlash that government had to endure when they announced the minimum wage for maids? People were almost jumping onto the streets protesting this unpopular move. Some threatened to fire their maids because they could not afford to pay the K525, 000. The sad part about all this was that these were people who blow that amount on a bottle of perfume or in a night binge drinking. It was absolutely ridiculous, the work that maids do was not appreciated and it was as if they were some feeling less machines. Gladly, the government did not badge to the threats and maids could finally smile.

7.         Holier Than Thou Zedians

This is a sex tape that bruised this Christian Nation’s image some claimed. The infamous Iris Kaingu guilty verdict and the fact that she spent a few days in jail were received with polarising views. One section of society was in jubilation claiming that it served her right while others claimed it was unfair justice. The amazing part about this court case is the debate of Zambia’s double standard Christian morality that was brought to the forefront of most discussion. People use that card whenever, it suits their situation or argument. I just hope that in 2013 we speak and protest everything un-Christian Nation and not being selective if that is the tag we want to have.

6.         Shed a Tear for Zambian Adverts

How many tears do we have to shed before this torture stops? I cannot stand it anymore; putting pathetic adverts on TV should be a crime against humanity. I mean surely save for a few adverts nearly all adverts on ZNBC, TV2 and Muvi TV have been devoid of creativity. The ads have been characterised with jingles, stupid jokes, childish speech and meaningless concepts. Somebody please put an end to this; I cannot take it no more.

5.         What Irritates Me about Facebook

Facebook forced me to get onto that lousy timeline after resisting to be on it for so long. Then I still kept adding friends I did not know, had to read peoples diaries on Facebook and then explain those embarrassing moments when you get tagged in an obscene picture. Yes, in as much as I love my Facebook it has added to my share of frustrations. Now I have to think twice about what I post on it due to the new privacy settings. Anyway some things we just have to accept because we are Facebook addicts after all.

4.         How Zambians Can Shop on Ebay

When I first wrote this blog I never imagined that it would be the most popular blog I ever typed. It has been read nearly three times as much as the second most popular blog. It is also the blog I have received the most comments and questions on. Clearly based on this it deserves a spot on this list. It is satisfying to know the power of information and how enlightening that information can be. This is what this blog aims to do, sometimes of course.

3.         Use a Goat Save the Girl Child

I pray that may we never get tired of telling these stories and immune to listening to them. It is an utter shame and despicable that some men still choose to rob girl children of their innocence just to satisfy their devilish sexual appetites. Nearly every single week the press reports of a girl child who has been defiled. The most heart breaking issue is that many of the girls defiled are usually abused by their fathers, uncles, cousins and neighbours people who are supposed to protect them. If girls cannot be safe in their own homes where can they be safe? I hope that in 2013 more is done to sensitize girls who are abused to speak out and the perpetrators feel the wrath of the law. Castration wouldn’t be a bad idea.

2.         Chipolopolo Forgot How to Lose: A Dream of a Nation

Technically I should have made this number 1 but hey this blog is called Diary of a Frustrated Brotha so it just has to end on a frustrated note. The Chipolopolo victory at the 2012 AFCON was by far the happiest moment of the year for me. I cannot recall the last time I was engulfed by such a wave of jubilation. I will admit I had not expected much from the boys, however, they defied the odds and showed us that it doesn’t matter how big your Goliath is if you believe in yourself. We have been celebrating that win for the whole year and who can blame us. I reckon the only time that joy can be surpassed is by Chipolopolo winning the World Cup and may that be soon.

1.         Born and Bored Awards Do it Again

Yaba, do we need to say more about these chaps. I am even exhausted rooting for them to succeed but once again they showed us everything that an awards show is not supposed to be. It is as if the producers live in a cave and do not watch shows like the Grammys, Kora Awards, Channel O Awards and hey even the Ngoma Awards were better. One of the things I would love to lock, leave behind and throw away the key in 2012 the Born and Bred Awards would be one of them. Sadly, deep down in my heart I know they will be back again in 2013 with a bang! A bang of MEDIOCRITY! How is a Frustrated Brotha supposed to get happy like this?

Have a GET SERIOUS NEW YEAR!!!!!

Hello Messi, Introducing Godfrey 'Ucar' Chitalu



Lionel Messi (L) and Godfrey 'Ucar' Chitalu (R)



After making worldwide headlines in February for winning the African Cup of Nations 2012, Zambia has once again successfully bulldozed it way back into the spotlight. This time around claiming that the record for most goals scored in a calendar year does not belong to Argentina’s Lionel Messi, but it is actually owned by a Zambian namely Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu. At the time of writing this Messi took his tally to 90 goals. It is still a long way from Chitalu’s 107 goals. It is a tally that Messi is unlikely to break with a couple of weeks left before the close of the year. So how did we find ourselves in this mess?

This story is a strange one, and it is almost amusing to think about. So in 1972, there was a German fellow called Gerd Muller, who scored 85 goals in a calendar year. He was hailed as the record holder until a minute fellow called Lionel Messi came along. Well apparently in the very same year that Muller set his supposed record, a fellow in a Southern African country called Zambia was smashing goals as if his life depended on it. His name was Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu and he scored a staggering 107 goals for club and country. Before, Messi broke Muller’s record Chitalu was hardly known by the world and would have probably remained so if Messi hadn’t broken Muller's record, and the rest of the world was applauding him for it. It is at this moment that the name Godfrey Chitalu emerged.

Some clever people decided to put the record straight and thankfully, Twitter and Facebook were around to lend a helping hand. Chitalu who plied his trade for Kabwe Warriors when the 107 goals were scored deserved the record and not Messi. Backed by the Football Association of Zambia, the world media was forced to take notice of this nation that was making noise. Many thought that it was one of those stories that could not be proven because there were no records, therefore, it would die away naturally. However, as proof began to emerge one of the most significant being the black-and-white picture with Chitalu holding a ball printed 107 goals on it; the world could not ignore us anymore.

The debate around the world was whether Zambia’s league could be considered as a worthy league to be taken seriously. Therefore, any achievements accomplished in what many consider an inferior league cannot be taken into consideration. Then others claimed that we did not have the records but once the research done by Jerry Muchimba was revealed that argument was no longer as strong. On the other hand, some believe that Godfrey Chitalu deserves the honour and should be recognised for his accomplishment. The matter at hand is goals scored in a calendar year. It is not accompanied by a disclaimer of only in stronger leagues or the player must hail from Europe or South America. Therefore, 107 goals is the record which was set by Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu.

If I may play devil’s advocate here, where were we for 40 years? Where were we when Messi reached 50 goals, 60 goals, 70 goals? As soon as Messi broke the Gerd Muller record then we realise Chitalu's record exists and choose to blow our horns. We should have been talking about Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu’s record way before Messi came along or was even close to reaching Muller's goal tally. Here in Zambia itself except for a few football pundits very few people knew of his record. Frankly, I only knew of this record when we were contesting Messi’s record. If we ourselves did not celebrate Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu’s record why on earth should the rest of the world celebrate him? Also spare a thought for Lionel Messi. The chap had Gerd Muller’s record in sight all along because that is the only record that he knew. Imagine the celebration that was there when he shattered that record, and he achieved what seemed impossible only to discover shortly after that someone, somewhere had scored 107 goals. I would be furious and throwing a tantrum. Maybe if someone had taken the liberty to let him in on that little fact, he would have scored more hat tricks.

Apparently, FIFA has taken the wise choice to neither ratify Lionel Messi nor Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu’s record. This, in my opinion, is to avoid any further debate about this matter. So this still remains an open case and subject to debate depending on who you ask. Sadly, Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu died in the 1993 Gabon football disaster when he was the coach of the national team, so we do not have the luxury of hearing from the legend. All we have are the bits of history and records we have left.

Regardless of what people say, finally the world knows of the legend that Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu was and what accomplishments he achieved. For people choose not to accept it that is their problem. This must also be a lesson to us as Zambians to start honouring own people and documenting their lives. These are the times to start writing biographies, producing documentaries, shouting their successes so that the rest of the world may know. On the other hand, Messi is still young he has next year to target breaking the 107 goal record. Until then, I do not consider him as the record holder, that accolade belongs to our Godfrey ‘Ucar’ Chitalu.

Congratulations to Christopher Katongo for winning the BBC African Footballer of the Year Award. I just had to add that in.

ZNBC Can Do Something Right After All

 Zambia National Broadcasting Corporation (ZNBC) has become synonymous with what bad television is. Despite the mandatory TV licences that we are made to pay, there seems to be very little difference that can be seen. We are subjected to the outdated programmes and even the programmes that the station innovates leave much to be desired. Apart from watching the Main News, ZNBC is losing its relevance in my life. The live broadcasts on most instances have bordered on embarrassing for a station that has been around for over 40 years. However, maybe just maybe ZNBC is beginning to turn the leaf.

 I am a firm believer in giving praise where it is due, and in hopes that the praise will be a motivating factor for better things to come. I am not talking about ZNBC finally showing movies and series that were actually produced in this decade, that day, we still wait to see. The improvement has been in the recent live broadcast of the Supreme Council of Sports in Africa Zone VI Games. The picture quality has been rather impressive. The camera men and women are finally doing a good job. This impressive live broadcast has been across the sporting disciplines- football, basketball, swimming, judo, and boxing among the multitude of sports. ZNBC claim that they invested around K12 billion to ensure that they deliver live broadcast of the game fit for a station of its status. I guess the money did make a difference

This new shift of ZNBC towards delivering excellent live broadcasting pictures has forced me to actually look forward to the games when they are on air. My only frustration is the commentators. Eish, those people are boring. If it wasn’t for the action, they would have been the perfect dosage for a sleeping pill. Surely, we have failed to find a replacement for the highly entertaining commentator Dennis Liwewe.  I am sure in the 13 million-plus Zambians, there should be some commentators worthy of the mic. Anyway until such a commentator comes along I just have to endure. I pray that ZNBC will continue towards the step of progress they have made and not go back to do what they do best, which is returning to television when it was 1970. In the meantime, bravo ZNBC for a job well done this time around, BRAVO!

Trevor Noah- He Came, He Saw, He Laughed at Us

Attending comedian Trevor Noah's That's Racist show was an experience. His two shows were sold out months before the actual show. The tickets for the New Government Complex show were the most sought after with people willing to pay triple their recommended price. Trevoh Noah has built quite a formidable reputation of making people laugh at themselves.

The Golden Tickets

I do not think that I have ever laughed as hard as I did at the Trevor show. It all began with the Zambian curtain raisers in Kapalu Mutenda and HK. They were funny in their own right and definitely comedians to watch in Zambia, however, they were only appetisers for the main man. Immediately, Trevor Noah hit the stage there was no stopping the onslaught of laughter that was to befall us. I do not think I have ever laughed that hard to the point at which my lungs hurt. I apologise to the people seated next to me.

 The brilliant part about Trevor is his ability to come up with jokes based on the culture of the people. In this case, he was having a field day at laughing at us. I mean he found things that we take as every day normal such as selling puppies at the traffic lights and made a joke about it.

"So what do you guys do? You are driving on the road and when you see the puppy then you go 'Oh that is what I forgot to buy on the grocery list a puppy'..." he joked. It is paraphrased. If you haven't laughed I understand. My niece who did not attend the show asked me to tell her the jokes if it was so funny. But the truth is, it is hard to repeat Trevor Noah jokes, they do not sound as funny if someone else tells them. His delivery is unique and it is part of the joke too. It is the way he builds to the punch line, the pace of the joke and then add the accent. You just can't replicate those things.

Comedian Trevor Noah "That's Racist"

 I know some people were probably offended by his use of stereotypes to poke fun at us. For example, why black people are not fans of water, white people do unnecessary stuff like jumping from space or coloureds are known for their short tempers. I mean truth be told whether we like it or not, the reason hundreds of us laughed so hard was because we could relate to many of the things he was talking about. In my opinion, one of the most effective ways of breaking down issues of stereotypes and racism is to laugh about them. And laugh about them we did.

So Trevor Noah laughed at us and made us laugh at ourselves too. We laughed about how too friendly Zambians are, how the escalators seem to mersmerise some, how chaotic our driving is, how we name roads after cities i.e. Addis Ababa Road, Cairo Road and how we answer questions with questions. I mean that is so true and should I be upset about it? Hell no, that is what makes Zambia so unique and we should be proud of it. It is just who we are. I am sure Trevor got a bucket load of jokes from being in Zambia for his other shows and the rest of the world will be laughing at us. We don't care because we will be laughing at others too. Hey, it is all a joke.