Tuesday, 5 July 2016

I Finally Figured Out Louise Lie-ton

You know, we Zambians love attention. Even though we will not openly admit it. As such we enjoy reading about ourselves in magazines, or newspapers. Watch ourselves on satellite television on the hundreds of channels. Once in a while hear Oprah gush about how she had a wonderful vacation in Mfuwe. Ok I am lying about the Oprah bit. So you can imagine when I got wind that there was an article on Zambia in the Telegraph UK.  My timeline on Facebook and Twitter feeds were buzzing with some Louise Linton apparently the person who wrote the piece. I decided to read the famed article to discover the awesome praise that my nation was receiving from yet another visitor to Zambia. Manje,  what ba Ru-eese wrote, iye imwe.

First, of all let me ask how on earth the Telegraph agreed to feature your article in their newspaper? Had they run out of stories or there was not enough bad news coming out of Africa for them. Anyway, I blame whoever, let you near a computer in the first place. They need to read the warning next time 'NOT FOR USE FOR CHILDRED UNDER 3 YEARS OLD'. All the same, I am keeping an open mind about your article and will try my best and I stress my best to understand it.

Ba Louise where did you find the jungle? I have been looking for the same jungle for ages. Kindly drop me an email I go see it. This is such wonderful news, contrary to popular belief I had always known Zambia had a jungle somewhere.

'Skinny white muzungu with long angel hair' kwena you are have some descriptions. But just a correction muzungu means white person. So what you have essentially said is 'skinny white white person with long angel hair'. So I advise you to remove the first white. Out of curiosity what does long devil hair look like?

Heheheehehehe, twelve inch spiders, really Louise. This is the problem with watching Arachnophobia one too many times. Your brain begins to imagine stuff. Do not worry it happens to me too. Sometimes, I see huge twelve inch lice in my bedroom too.

Wow! Louise you are one special human being. You travelled thousands of kilometres, left your country got on a plane just to come plant a vegetable garden, just to start a school under a tree. You forgot to add also used a pit latrine to tick off your to-do list.

Ba Ru-eese once again you have been watching too many movies like Tears of Sun or Beasts of No Nation. I would like to find out why did you go to the national park if you had no intention of encountering lions, elephants, crocodiles and snakes? Hello, that is what a safari is supposed to be. In Zambia, we only have three seasons- June, October and rainy season. I think global warming is causing the monsoon to start reaching Zambia now.

Oh you poor soul. I know nightmares have that effect on people. You went into hiding thinking the Boogie Man was out there to get you. I just want to give you a long, big hug and let you know that it was all in your head.

You should have mentioned earlier on that you are an actress. It much makes sense. Now I have a clearer picture of the parts you wish to play in movies. Almost like Angelina Jolie roles in Tomb Raider or Beyond Borders. I am baffled by one thing though, how come Zimba did not teach you another beautiful word. Bufi. Yes Ru-eese it has one simple meaning LIES. I think it would have been very helpful to add to your vocabulary. In the mean time we shall catch up on #LintonLies. Bye.