Wednesday, 2 October 2013

10 Painless Rules for the Zambian Borrower

I have had enough of this crap. There is a problem with being a nice guy, people take you for granted. Yes, we live in a world where we need to give a helping hand when someone is in need. One of those times is when someone requests to be lent some money. I usually find it hard to say no to someone when I have the cash, but more often than not it ends up biting me in the butt. The chaps never give me back the money. Hello! If my last name is not Gates or Dangote, I need my money back, period. I think there has been some miscommunication between us; I am now putting a few golden rules down.

This is not a donation, so it better boomerang

1.      Don’t Borrow If You Don’t Plan to Pay Back
The moment you say, “Lend me some money,” it automatically implies that you have the intention of paying it back. The last time I checked my dictionary, “Lend me” did not mean grant me or donate. So you better tell me straight up front whether I am lending you the money or giving it to you. Because if I am lending you the money, I expect it back. Don’t believe that just because I don’t ask for it, I have forgotten.
2.      I am not Oprah Winfrey
Never assume that the money I am lending you is not needed and it is fine if you don’t return it. I am not Oprah Winfrey who tosses cars for fun. When I discover the tree that grows money, I promise you I will be dishing out money like there is no tomorrow. Till then, you know what to do.

You owe Me! You owe me! You owe me! You owe meeeee!

3.      Is an Apology too Hard
Look I am a reasonable person, I understand that plans will change and situations may prevent you from paying on time. Is it too much to show some courtesy by informing me in advance and asking for an extension? I am only a call, text, Facebook, BBM, Whatsapp, Skype, Twitter, away. So I do not buy those excuses that you were trying to reaching me but failed. Next excuse please.
4.      How Dare You Ignore Me
It is bad enough that you don’t tell me when you will pay me back, but to ignore my phone calls that is just rude. Abomination! (Nigerian voice). We do not need to bring the police up in here. Let me lay it down for you in simple English, you will pick up my calls and reply to every text. Comprendez!
5.      Remove Family and Friendship From the Equation
If at all you respect the relationship, it is only decent that you don’t abuse it. Friends and Family are the worst culprits. I would like to keep this equation that way, let us remain friends or family. It is absolutely embarrassing and shaming for us to start quarrelling over a petty issue as nkongole.
6.      Don’t Magnify Your Problem
You have bills to pay; I have bills to pay too. Do not try to make it sound that your problems are more pressing, urgent and important than mine. Please do not come all melodramatic that you are about to be jailed because other people you owe money are threatening you. Do you want me also to share my big problems too?
7.      Sorry the Guilty Trick Won’t Work
You already in the wrong by not paying me on time or desiring not to pay me at all. If for a moment you think that you will use the Guilty Card on me, think again. Calling me stingy, inconsiderate, shorthanded, ungenerous, will definitely not help your cause. My advice is just be humble because quite frankly, I don’t care what adjectives you use to describe me. Money please.
8.      You Had My Cash But....
Oh really so you just had my money an hour ago, and miraculously the Landlord showed up at your door therefore you can’t pay me. And how is this supposed to make me feel better again? This is such a recycled excuse that it is hard to believe any more. Bash your head into the wall and tell me that you just got mugged and they got away with my money as you spit blood. Now that lie I will believe.
9.      You Have a Reputation to Protect Too
A bad name spreads quickly; a bad borrowers name spreads even quicker. To the serial borrowers who are in the habit of not paying back, you are simply crushing your own reputation. There will come a point where everyone will be afraid to lend you money, no matter how dire the need is. But then again who am I fooling some people don’t even have reputations to guard, yaba.
10.  My Little Black Book
There comes a point where I have to face the reality that I am never getting my cash back. This is just a bad debt that I have to write off and forget. Wait forget, no ways. Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice stupid me. I aint gonna be stupid. My Little Black Book of blacklisted borrowers will faithfully remind me of all your crimes. Trust me, you don’t want to enter my Little Black Book, just obey the rules above and you will be safe.

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