So you have something to say. You
have mulled over what it is that you want to write down for a couple of
minutes. In your mind, it makes a lot of sense. All you want to do is express
yourself. DON’T. But if you don’t heed my advice to keep your thoughts to
yourself because these streets are not ready for you, I should offer my humble
counsel and prepare you for battle.
Before we begin, ensure that you
have sufficient stock of Kung Fu energy drink for this one coffee will not do,
we need something stronger. You must also be connected to unlimited internet or
have enough bundles. Don’t even think of using free Facebook for this, we need
to see all the images in high definition. Make sure that your schedule is also
cleared, you must respond in real-time. If you are the sensitive type refer
back to my initial advice and do not type anything napapata. The last thing you need know is what is it that you want
to talk about, if you want to talk about entrepreneurship, health, the
environment, or even sex then you are safe. But Kwa Facebook the moment you
meddle on politics and religion be ready for bruises. Topics on politics evoke
special feelings in people.
I admire your bravery already for
your insistence to post your thoughts and especially on the two topics that I
have cautioned you against. Anyway, we have our Kung Fu and internet data so we
are armoured. You go ahead and post on what you think is a logical statement.
You have read it twice and click post. The status goes out into the world in a
blink of seconds, it will begin to pop on your friends and family’s timelines.
Some people will like it, the majority will ignore it and for those select few
that decide to comment are the ones to be wary of.
You see everyone on Kwa Facebook has
an opinion some are just too busy share it with you, some have made a
profession of posting on Mwebantu, Kalemba, Zambia Watchdog, Simon Mwewa Lane
and Chilufya Tayali pages. When you combine free Facebook, loadshedding and
lots of time, it’s a dangerous combo. All it will take is someone to
misunderstand your status and interpret it the way they wish to. You will
attempt to get your point across and they will tell you theirs. They will tell
you what you should have said even though that is not how you wanted to say it.
You will take a sip of your Kung Fu energy drink because it is beginning to get
tense, the tone will change as it begins to deviate from civility. Do not try
to steer it in the right direction, you need to reserve your energy.
It will reach a point where your
status will be shared by strangers and then other people will begin to join the
discussion. At this juncture, it will no longer be about the status but it will
get personal. People Kwa Facebook are known for not sticking to the topic so do
not be surprised when they begin to talk about the way you look even though you
absolutely had no part to play in that. The shape of your nose or the thickness
of your lips might soon take centre stage. But you must not be swayed, stand
your ground and defend your right to your opinion. If you can take it up to
this level the back and forth, it is about to get worse.
The idea that your status will be
discussed on its merit and reasonable debate to ensue should be banished at
this stage. If your profile is public, then all the pictures you have ever
taken will be snatched. They will look for the most awkward picture you have
ever taken even if it was posted 10 years ago. There is a possibility that it
will be photoshopped, people have quite an expansive imagination so brace
yourself. It is during this period that they will find your spouse if you have
one, if you are single warn your exes, children, sister, brothers and everyone
connected to you will become fair game. Do not expect any of them to come to
your defence, this is one battle you must fight solo and do not encourage them
to respond.
After three hours or so of trying to
reason with people you do not know, it will begin to get exhausting. But do not
quit, do not show any sign of weakness. Do not apologise or delete the post
that window is only open for the first 30 minutes of the status going up. They
will have one last card to pull out, they will go for your ancestors. The one’s
we have long buried. Your great, great grandfather’s bones will not be spared.
They will curse you from the tip of your hair to your toenail. If they had the
powers to send a plague your way they would do it. We must remain resolute like
Pharaoh.
Eventually, your eyes will tell you
it is time to sleep. You will try to read a few more comments, which have
reached 1,000+. You will continue to read a few of them, and Sia’s song
Titanium will come to mind, “I’m
bulletproof, nothing to lose; Fire away, fire away….” The truth is some of
the words will sting, they will ring in your mind for weeks. However, you
should be comforted by the fact that people on Kwa Facebook also have short
memories this will not last. They will move on to the next corruption scandal
or another brave soul will make another political comment and take the
spotlight. And you what will you be left with, may I suggest the perfect
material for a TEDxLusaka talk.
