This is How You Argue Kwa Facebook

So you have something to say. You have mulled over what it is that you want to write down for a couple of minutes. In your mind, it makes a lot of sense. All you want to do is express yourself. DON’T. But if you don’t heed my advice to keep your thoughts to yourself because these streets are not ready for you, I should offer my humble counsel and prepare you for battle.

Before we begin, ensure that you have sufficient stock of Kung Fu energy drink for this one coffee will not do, we need something stronger. You must also be connected to unlimited internet or have enough bundles. Don’t even think of using free Facebook for this, we need to see all the images in high definition. Make sure that your schedule is also cleared, you must respond in real-time. If you are the sensitive type refer back to my initial advice and do not type anything napapata. The last thing you need know is what is it that you want to talk about, if you want to talk about entrepreneurship, health, the environment, or even sex then you are safe. But Kwa Facebook the moment you meddle on politics and religion be ready for bruises. Topics on politics evoke special feelings in people.

I admire your bravery already for your insistence to post your thoughts and especially on the two topics that I have cautioned you against. Anyway, we have our Kung Fu and internet data so we are armoured. You go ahead and post on what you think is a logical statement. You have read it twice and click post. The status goes out into the world in a blink of seconds, it will begin to pop on your friends and family’s timelines. Some people will like it, the majority will ignore it and for those select few that decide to comment are the ones to be wary of.

You see everyone on Kwa Facebook has an opinion some are just too busy share it with you, some have made a profession of posting on Mwebantu, Kalemba, Zambia Watchdog, Simon Mwewa Lane and Chilufya Tayali pages. When you combine free Facebook, loadshedding and lots of time, it’s a dangerous combo. All it will take is someone to misunderstand your status and interpret it the way they wish to. You will attempt to get your point across and they will tell you theirs. They will tell you what you should have said even though that is not how you wanted to say it. You will take a sip of your Kung Fu energy drink because it is beginning to get tense, the tone will change as it begins to deviate from civility. Do not try to steer it in the right direction, you need to reserve your energy.

It will reach a point where your status will be shared by strangers and then other people will begin to join the discussion. At this juncture, it will no longer be about the status but it will get personal. People Kwa Facebook are known for not sticking to the topic so do not be surprised when they begin to talk about the way you look even though you absolutely had no part to play in that. The shape of your nose or the thickness of your lips might soon take centre stage. But you must not be swayed, stand your ground and defend your right to your opinion. If you can take it up to this level the back and forth, it is about to get worse.

The idea that your status will be discussed on its merit and reasonable debate to ensue should be banished at this stage. If your profile is public, then all the pictures you have ever taken will be snatched. They will look for the most awkward picture you have ever taken even if it was posted 10 years ago. There is a possibility that it will be photoshopped, people have quite an expansive imagination so brace yourself. It is during this period that they will find your spouse if you have one, if you are single warn your exes, children, sister, brothers and everyone connected to you will become fair game. Do not expect any of them to come to your defence, this is one battle you must fight solo and do not encourage them to respond.

After three hours or so of trying to reason with people you do not know, it will begin to get exhausting. But do not quit, do not show any sign of weakness. Do not apologise or delete the post that window is only open for the first 30 minutes of the status going up. They will have one last card to pull out, they will go for your ancestors. The one’s we have long buried. Your great, great grandfather’s bones will not be spared. They will curse you from the tip of your hair to your toenail. If they had the powers to send a plague your way they would do it. We must remain resolute like Pharaoh.

Eventually, your eyes will tell you it is time to sleep. You will try to read a few more comments, which have reached 1,000+. You will continue to read a few of them, and Sia’s song Titanium will come to mind, “I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose; Fire away, fire away….” The truth is some of the words will sting, they will ring in your mind for weeks. However, you should be comforted by the fact that people on Kwa Facebook also have short memories this will not last. They will move on to the next corruption scandal or another brave soul will make another political comment and take the spotlight. And you what will you be left with, may I suggest the perfect material for a TEDxLusaka talk.