The Police, Photocopying and No Transport

Last week I was a victim of a theft. The bloody burger got away with my car battery, while I was asleep. I don’t know whether I should say thankfully the battery was all he got away with because he could have gotten away with much more. Thieves can be such an unnecessary inconvenience and for a moment I could empathise with all those individuals who perform mob justice and want burn them alive. I mean here is a fellow who is able bodied to be capable to climb a wall fence, remove and carry a car battery and have the audacity to return for the car radio can find something to do. Then what added further to my frustration was the service I received from the police, I even wondered why I bothered going there.

I must be brainwashed by watching all these CSI series where I think that the police will come dust the car for finger prints, check the scene for any eye lashes, or footmarks, interrogate the neighbours and then voila catch the thief. Snap out of it frustrated brotha.  When I went to report the matter at the Manda Hill police post, I knew I was far away from any CSI scenario when the police officer began to write my statement in a big record book. In the age of computers, our police posts are still writing details in a record book. So if the book gets stolen or it rains, then all the records are gone for good. I was then asked to return later if I wanted to open a docket because there was no stationery. For one reason or another our police posts seem to be in the habit of running out of stationery and often we are asked to go photocopy police report sheets. I mean seriously, someone just stole my car battery and the last thing I need to hear is that a docket cannot be opened because of lack of paper. Cry my beloved Zambia. I was then told that when I return then if I am lucky they may visit the scene if it is not disturbed. Slowly I realised that my CSI wish would not be coming true. I returned home with no police officer coming to check the crime scene and without a docket in hand.

I returned later for my docket, but while I waited for it a gentleman came into the station claiming that his phones had been stolen. He narrated his story and the officer got down his statement once again in the big black book. Then the officer mentioned that once the formalities had been done that she need to take the form to Northmead but there was no transport. So here was a police post that had no stationery and had no transport, just my luck. The gentleman quickly offered to provide transport as long as he could get his phones traced and handed back to him. I too was capable to provide transport, so what would the poor person do in such a situation.

The police service is supposed to serve every Zambian citizen regardless of race, tribe, or economic status. However, in this nation we have various people at various economic levels. Where is a poor person who is barely making ends meet supposed to find the money to start photocopying a police report sheet when that money could be used to buy bread. Or where is he supposed to find transport to ferry the police officers to the scene of the theft, by the way our officers do not use buses they need a taxi. The officers use the taxi to take them to the scene and back to the police post. Taxis are not cheap and depending on the distance can be quite expensive. The taxi fare alone could be the cost of a bag of mealie meal. This simply means that if you are poor you might not be able to report the matter to the police for it to be adequately handled.

There are certain aspects of police investigation that I can accept that we do not have the resources for things such as forensic labs but lack of no stationery and transport is not one that I can accept. The police need to have the basic minimum to handle the cases that are presented to them. It should not be dependent whether someone can provide transport or not. It is important for the relevant authorities to ensure that the police posts have relevant resources to carry out their duties otherwise police posts might as well put a poster that we will only attend to you if you come with your own stationery and transport. In the meantime, I need to watch more of Muvi TVs The Constables rather CSI to get more proper representation of my reality.

Shall We All Get Naked and Wait for Hyenas

“Even if I have lost some important parts of my body, I still want to get rich,” these are the words that were uttered by Chamangeni Zulu. This is a man who just had his manhood and three toes eaten by a hyena after a witchdoctor advised him to do so. The witchdoctor apparently told him to go into a bush, strip naked and wait for a hyena to come and eat part of his body. Ku nkala chipuba siti lesa koma chipubidwe. This is a story that borders on the ridiculous if not the insane. In the quest for riches, I guess some people sail the seas looking for lost treasure; others strip and wait for a hyena to chew what they wish.

Hyena

                Now that I am done venting, there is a small portion of me that is trying to empathise with Chamangeni. He is originally from Malawi and for the past four months had been working in Chipata before he decided he had it will all this poverty nonsense. The man had probably tried all avenues available to him but he saw no hope of escaping the chains of poverty that are gripping many. I know it is easy for people who bought the newspapers to read his story while sipping coffee in an air conditioned office to find Chamangeni mad. Some would say that why didn’t he work hard if he wanted to be rich or just be content with his portion.  It could be easy for someone like myself to say that, after all my parents were able to educate me, I have opportunities at every corner, I type this blog on a laptop and I have access to the internet anytime I please. Dreaming of being rich is not a farfetched.

                Here is a man who perhaps only has primary education at best, maybe not because he did not want to go school but his parents could not afford to keep him in school. Then he is taken to work the fields so that his family can get food on his table. Hypothetically he marries early and has two children one year in between because he does not know what family planning is. He finds a job working on a farm just to prevent his family from starving, yet he still dreams of becoming rich. He does not know how that will happen because life did not give him an easy hand. He knows he cannot till the land fast or strong enough that his labour will be rewarded to make him live the lavish life he envies. He will even be lucky if he even gets the crumbs of the rich.

                There was no one available to offer him a solution on how to become rich. I have Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad, Poor Dad to read, there is a Mubita Nawa motivational conference I can attend, I see GBM get his wife a Range Rover on Facebook to emulate and I have the qualifications to help open doors. Chamangeni does not have this privilege. Therefore, should we blame him for taking a solution offered to him by a witchdoctor? When no one was showing him the path to the riches that he desired the witchdoctor showed him a way. Chamangeni may have tried the conventional route and it failed, so it was about time he used the unconventional route- Strip and wait for a hyena.

                Chamangeni’s story is that of many people in poverty in Zambia, even though some may not push the boundaries like he did, they too still dream to be rich. For us who read the story in the papers and posted it on Facebook may consider ourselves lucky. We too could also have been in Chamangeni’s position, wishing to be rich but not knowing how. We would have shouted in Marie Antoinette fashion, “Why doesn’t he just work hard if he wants to be rich.” Yet we forget that we neither provide the tools nor the show him the route to get to wealth. Still on his hospital bed no one was able to show him the first steps towards riches, hence he boldly declared his determination, “Even if I have lost some important parts of my body, I still want to get rich.”

The Battle for NAC: Chiduku vs Saboistas

What 2Pac and Notorious BIG, Muhammed Ali and George Foreman, or even Slap Dee and Macky 2 can do, Mulenga Kapwepwe and Saboi Imboela can do too. In this case in what has come to be known as the battle between the Chiduku vs the Saboistas is turning into quite a cat fight. Gone are the days when people used to settle scores on the streets, these two have taken it to Facebook. This is all because of one little thing called the National Arts Council (NAC).

I am not exactly sure when this whole feud between the two started, but it is almost certain that fuel was added right after this year’s Zambia Music Awards. Media outlets started reporting that Saboi Imboela of the Shatel Fame had launched a campaign which in her words was meant to, “Hound Mulenga Kapwepwe out of the National Arts Council.” According to Saboi, Mulenga Kapwepwe has overstayed her reign as Chairperson of the NAC. Saboi further launched a petition at the Lusaka Playhouse that would get signatures of artists which would be presented to the Minister of Tourism, Arts and Culture, Honourable Sylvia Masebo.  Among the people who signed the petition are well known musicians such as JK, Mampi, Mozegater, Sista D, Diffikoti among others. On 3 March 2014, the day the petition was launched, Saboi and Brian Shakarongo (Veteran Musician) further went on Hot FM to discuss the reasons why they want to hound Mulenga Kapwepwe out.

The next day after Saboi’s petition launch, Mulenga Kapwepwe joined Facebook and attempted to respond to Saboi. She answered some of the questions Saboi asked of her, which was what she was doing at NAC instead of looking for a job. Mulenga said she was working on various projects which included an animation pilot, a poetry project and a record label. As for the record label she had no name for it until Saboi’s reference of the attire Mulenga is well known for the Chiduku, hence, the label has been named Chiduku Beats. This sparked the beginning of the Facebook spat between these two artists. Each response was longer than the previous, and weaved their words as though they were writing a bestselling novel.

In all the thousands of words I have had to read through, this whole fiasco is perhaps about five cardinal issues. Saboi is claiming that Mulenga Kapwepwe has hang around far too long- 14 years, she has done nothing during her reign, she is not making it possible for Musicians to earn a living, there is no strategic plan at NAC and she is running NAC as if it is personal to holder. She cited the Zambia Music Awards as a classic case where NAC did not compensate musicians adequately for winning the awards. She explained that the judges got K15, 000 while the musicians got K3, 000. It was no wonder the musicians were suffering. Therefore, it was time kick her out of NAC and place someone new. She did categorically say that she would not stand for the position of chairperson as it would be perceived wrongly.

Why Mulenga chose Facebook to respond to Saboi’s allegations is beyond me. In her response she clarified that she has been Chairperson of NAC for 10 years and not 14 years, during her reign she assisted in obtaining funding from the European Union, lobbied to increase funding from government, developed policy for the arts, supported various artists through workshops and other capacity building activities, and this is the legacy that she has created. She also stated that her term as NAC chairperson ended in November 2013. However, NAC is being transition into a commission, Mulenga was requested to stay on in the interim which is within the authority of the Minister of Tourism, Culture and Arts to do so.

Mulenga Kapwepwe (left) and Saboi Imboela (Right)

This Chiduku vs Saboi bouts are very difficult to call because none of them is presenting sufficient facts and evidence to help us the public and I as an artist to choose a side. Saboi is basing her petition on the fact that Mulenga Kapwepwe has overstayed. However, the NAC constitution does not limit the number of times that someone can be chairperson, as long as they continue winning the elections they continue. Further the FIFA president has been in his position for more than 10 years and he is doing a pretty good job, it is nothing new. Therefore, the length of time that she has been there should not have been an issue but Saboi should have been telling us Kapwepwe’s failing. For some reason she is so fixated on the fact that NAC does not have a strategic plan something that she must have acquired from her academic classes. It is not cast in stone that every organisation should have a strategic plan; it is just recommended that it has one.  Then she has successfully managed to ostracise the other artists, even though she uses the words artists she is implying musicians. She has failed to articulate the challenges that other artists such as writers, filmmakers, painters, poets, sculptors, etc., are facing and how Mulenga being at the helm has failed them. All she has been speaking of is how Mulenga has failed the musicians. It appears as if Saboi wants a Chairperson who will make life better for musicians or put money in their pockets. Saboi in her arguments has failed to mention a single success that NAC has scored. In her opinion NAC has been a selfish and greedy organisation run by a dictatorial leader. I find this hard to believe as definitely there must be some good that NAC has done. The 14 years she is claiming under Mulenga’s reign could all not have been wasted years. Lastly, Saboi is an intellectual and having previously served as a member of NAC, she knows the mandate that NAC has. However, she is appealing to people’s pockets and anything that does that is likely to generate support. By claiming that the musicians need to be earning a decent livelihood and NAC is one of the hindrances to this is kind of misleading. It is not the mandate of NAC to make sure musicians are rich.

In regards to Mulenga Kapwepwe, I believe that she made the right decision to join Facebook. However, to solely respond to issues that are raised on Facebook is not appropriate. What about the individuals or my parents who are not on Facebook. They are only getting a one-sided story. Mulenga should have taken the opportunities availed to her by going on radio and television to discuss this row before it reached the levels it has. It was her duty as Chairperson to set records straight, and encourage dialogue. We have well established discussion shows such as Let the People Talk on Radio Phoenix, The Assignment on Muvi TV, Sunday Interview on ZNBC to mention but a few. However, for reasons best known to herself she did not take these opportunities, instead we have been going back and forth reading long narratives on Facebook. Mulenga did mention the numerous achievements that she has scored while at the helm of NAC on her Facebook Page. I was disappointed that I could not find the website for NAC in this present age, it would have been a wonderful platform to publicise its achievements and what its role in the arts arena is. This is where all the rumours and misconceptions about the operations about NAC are coming from, because it seems to operate like a conclave. No one knows what they are doing. All this petition and hounding cries would not have happened had Mulenga as leader of NAC made it know what the achievements were and what the role of NAC is. People would then be able to make up more informed and rational designs on whether calls to hound her out are justifiable.

There is so much that can be said about this debacle, I admit this is only a fraction of it. However, the longer this Facebook feud continues, the more it shreds into the legacy and respect people will have for these two individuals. If they cannot both appear on a TV or radio platform to debate the issues and clear the air, then perhaps we should try getting them into a boxing ring. Until that happens, I can neither support a petition to hound Mulenga out or support her to continue her reign without having valid and concrete reasons presented before me. At the moment all I can ask for is that the debate continues until we get to the facts and evidence we desire. In meantime, please keep your replies short.

Don't Buy VIP Tickets

Whenever I am attending a concert or any other show, I have one simple rule. Never buyVIP tickets. When I attended the Loyiso Gola comedy show at Government Complex this past Friday, it only validated my simple rule- Never buy VIP tickets. It would be in your best interest too, to follow this rule. It is not that I am against having VIP tickets, but experience has shown VIPs are not appreciated much.

VIP (Very Important Person) is usually a category that you have at concerts and other shows. It is to separate them from the ordinary masses. The VIP tickets are often twice the price of the ordinary tickets and it is believed that you will receive preferential treatment. It implies that you will not have to queue up, sit closer to the stage, and have a complementary drink (if you are lucky) but that is it. Quite frankly, if I am going to be paying double the price then it better have some additional perks than just that.

There have been countless horror stories of people who have paid for VIP tickets only to be mixed with the rest of the ordinary ticket holders. South African comedian, Loyiso Gola’s show at Government Complex was no different. An ordinary ticket was K100 while a VIP ticket was K200. It was organised by Rock FM and they did a terrible job at marketing it if I may add.  Both the ordinary and VIP tickets holders did not have to queue up to enter the building due to the poor turn out, then the VIPs had a complimentary Dragon energy drink the ordinary tickets holders had nothing. The VIP ticket holder could sit closer to the stage while the ordinary tickets holders were farther away from it. However, by the time Loyiso came on stage which was two hours later than indicated on the ticket, the MC had told the ordinary ticket holders to move closer and occupy the VIP ticket seats. Hello, what the hell, that was not right. The difference between an ordinary ticket and a VIP ticket could not just be the complimentary drink in my hand. VIP ticket holders absolutely felt cheated in a major way. Even if there were empty seats, they should have remained empty and the ordinary tickets holders should have remained where they were, otherwise the VIP ticket holders should have been refunded.

Loyiso chatting to the crowd

Now, people have introduced VVIP tickets which are more expensive than VIP tickets, over my dead body before I purchase one of those. VIP is usually not VIP. It is just a nice initiative for event organisers to dupe us into parting away with our hard earned cash. There should be more appreciation for those who are paying for a VIP ticket apart from the fact that they do not have to line up to enter the building. They should be rolling out the red carpet, we should have backstage access, the performer should be high-fiving us, the ordinary ticket holders should wait for us to walk out when the show is over, and the organisers should dish out autographed memorabilia. I know I am pushing the limit on some of the requests but you get the picture.

Event organisers really need to read up on the meaning of VIP before they decide to print and price their tickets. It is unfortunate and tantamount to stealing for someone to pay for a VIP ticket only to be mixed with ordinary ticket holders. Based on my experience and tales of others, on the ordinary ticket line is where you will find me because I know I will subsequently wind up in the VIP section. Oh by the way, this article is dedicated to those people who bought VIP ticket to Loyiso Gola’s show. I really would not spit sufficient venom in this piece because like I said I don't buy VIP tickets. The one I had was given to me, lucky it was free because Hell Hath No Fury like a Frustrated Brotha.

Uganda Bans Miniskirts, What About Zambia?

Wow! Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni has just signed a bill which criminalises indecency and promotion of pornography. It is the law on dressing that is specifically targeted towards women as it forbids women from wearing clothes like miniskirts and cleavage- revealing blouses that excite sexual cravings in public, unless for educational and medical purposes or during sports or cultural events. Uganda has led the way and very soon I am anticipating the Zambian moral torch bearers to start requesting government to do the same.

Ugandan lawmakers think that the banning of miniskirts and other revealing clothing will in some way reduce the immorality levels in that country. I would like to see how successful this strategy is. This law in other words can be interpreted to mean that it is there to protect men who have raging hormones that they cannot control and we men are the victims. It is a stupid excuse to give men that they rape, sexually assault and defile children because of a dress code. Really. This law has even gone so far as allowing men to apprehend any woman who dresses indecently, under the citizen’s arrest clause. The question to ask is who among the group of men will decide what is indecent. What one man perceives as indecent may not be the perception of another therefore women will now be victims of perception.

This debate has been creeping into Zambia slowly, where certain factions have been demanding government to place a law that will ban ladies wearing revealing clothes. Their stance is that it is not Zambian culture and women should be decently dressed. They should be wrapped in a chitenge and not revealing their thighs, cleavage and G-strings. We are a Christian nation after all. The use of Zambia as a Christian nation as an excuse why certain decisions should be done away with absolutely makes me sick. It is fine if people say that they cannot stand the miniskirt because they get aroused, or that it is a personal choice not to support the women wearing them. However, to state that they should not be worn because Zambia is a Christian nation is ridiculous.

Let’s say that yes Zambia is a Christian nation, so why not criminalise fornication, adultery, lying, etc, while we are at it. Why aren’t people marching the streets demanding that all liars, fornicators and adulterers are locked up? Why should we choose the bits and pieces of the Christian faith that supports our argument and do away with the rest. Personally, I have better things to do than to care whether a woman is wearing a miniskirt or cleavage revealing clothing. However, what I don’t understand is a woman who wears a miniskirt and has to keep pulling it down or cleavage revealing top and having to cover it with the hand. Why wear it in the first place then? There is a reason it is called a miniskirt in the first place isn’t it. I do feel that dressing whether for a man or woman should be decent, but I will not impose what I think is decent on others.

The banning of miniskirts and revealing clothing in Uganda is clearly misplaced. Perhaps the stance should have been to teach men to respect women and not treat them like objects of our sexual desire. How about showing men that a miniskirt or revealing clothing is not the reason why they will rape or sexually assault a woman but rather it is their own sick mind and that is what they should work on changing. Uganda and Africa as a whole has far more pressing needs such as poverty, corruption, HIV/AIDS, tribalism that need to be addressed than placing what a woman choses to wear top of the agenda.                                     

I Hate Valentine's Day

I wish the person who came up with Valentine’s Day was still alive so I could throw a huge brick in his face, wait maybe it was a lady. Who cares whoever it was should have been the culprit we should have been lynching at the stake. Every 14^th February I wish I could go into a cave and hide. It is arguably one of the most cliché days that exists and as an individual who abhors clichés it is absolute torture.

                                   

People say that it is Lovers Day, trying to exalt it beyond any normal day in February . I don’t really have anything against the motive of the day itself even if at the back of my mind I can’t get past its dark history. (Yes, this is the version that I want to believe even though many people have their own versions about the day. I fail to shake it off). I just do not appreciate things that are usually blown out of proportion. It’s perhaps the greatest show of adult peer pressure that exists. The shops all of a sudden start displaying red dresses, red neck ties, red shoes, red chocolates, red wine, red toilet paper, red toothpaste and the list is endless. Then on the actual day you see all these people clad in red, and the reason, it is valentines. Forget the fact that the person may not have a significant other in their life, it does not matter.

In Zambia we have even altered it to mean a day to just show love to whoever is special in your life. Father, mother, children, grandparents, friends and even the dog if you love it that much can be thrown in for good measure. So Valentine’s Day has become one huge ‘Love Fest’ that I have not yet managed to get both my sane and lunatic side of my brain to comprehend.  Last year I was receiving Happy Valentine messages as if someone was wishing me a Merry Christmas. How do you respond to such messages, “Happy Valentines to you too?” and which is supposed to mean what? Awe kwena pa Zed che.

I will say what almost every guy is afraid to tell their girlfriends and wives. I just bought you presents two months ago for Christmas, do you know how hard it is to think of something different so soon. Besides, your birthday is coming up, there is the anniversary, Christmas again in December. Guys you are welcome, consider me your Martyr. It is not that we do not enjoy buying the presents, it is just that it is hard to be creative when you have gotten your special one all there is to get. Trust me the presents will be jewelry, chocolate, wine, cards, flowers, teddy bear, dinner for two, perfume or lingerie for the ladies. While the guys it will most likely be watches, cologne, socks, tie or handkerchief, yawn! It is very different to think of innovative things to get the significant other. I think we can all do without the stress, well I think we guys can, even though few will admit it at this time.

A lady friend told me something very funny, that during this time there is nothing her husband can do that will make her upset. All is forgiven, Valentine’s Day is just on Friday. Then after that ‘Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned’. In the end I guess this is more about her. I think I would have a different view if Valentine’s Day was a public holiday until then I need to look for a cave. A humble request, please don’t send this blog post to my girlfriend.

The Gamble with Teaching in Local Languages

The use of local languages in government schools has begun. Children in government schools will be taught in the local language in their area from grade 1 to grade 4. Then from grade 5 onwards they will be learning in English. The exclusion from this policy it seems will be private schools. I pity the school children who have become our guinea pigs as we experiment whether this policy will work out. The results of every experiment are that it may yield positive or negative results.

 

The official local languages are Lozi, Kaonde, Lunda, Bemba, Nyanja, Luvale and Tonga. The children will be instructed in the language that is predominantly used in their locale according to the Ministry of Education, Science, Vocational Training and Early Education. The curriculum has also changed in order to accommodate the shift of this new language policy. The background to this change is that children understand better when they are taught in their local language rather than English. Then there are some people who still perceive the use of the English language as a form of colonization. Oh get over it and move on. In as much as the research conducted may substantiate the claims of introducing local languages in schools, it still does not imply that it is the right decision for Zambia.

 

There is the notion that just because this is done in Kenya, Botswana, South Africa, or Namibia then it can be replicated in this country too. Zambia is a unique case and there are many underlying factors that should have been considered before such an aggressive decision was made. The fact that there are 72 or is it 73 languages is enough of a headache that needs to be taken into consideration. To somehow box those 73 languages into seven is absolutely unfair. If this is government’s idea of preserving the local languages then it may just backfire by making sure that the other 65 languages become extinct.

 

Even if this could be a good strategy to ensure that local languages are spoken in schools, we have not yet developed the capacity to handle the enormous task that lies ahead.  The teachers are taught in English at their various training institutions. The vernacular they know was probably taught at home. Therefore, we shall have teachers who will still be thinking in English and trying to translate in the local languages. There is the possibility of misinterpretation of some of the curriculum. Teachers will further be inclined to teach in regions where they come from to prevent the hustle of learning a new language in adulthood. I foresee a situation where Lozi teachers will stick to Western Province; Bemba teachers to Northern, Luapula, Copperbelt, Muchinga; Lunda, Luvale and Kaonde teachers to Northwestern; Tonga teachers to Southern and those that can speak Nyanja to Eastern and Lusaka. This will create a divide even if we pretend as if it won’t happen.

 

Why should the learning in local languages stop at grade 5? Is grade 5 the watershed point at which a person can fully comprehend being taught in English? I am not sure that government is considering the mental development of the pupils for the transition as a grade 5 pupil can be between the ages of 9 and 15 or it is the grade that is the main focus. My perception is that since some country somewhere starts teaching English at grade 5 then we accept it should work perfectly for us. I do not know why we are lazy to do our own research, study the findings and decide what the appropriate time to introduce English. It is not a one size fits all kind of situation, these are people’s children we are talking about and our future.

 

What about the parents? Why have they been taken out of the equation? Parents are supposed to be involved in the child’s education, helping them with their homework and other assignments. However, how do we expect parents to be involved when they cannot understand a word of the language their children are being taught in? This automatically means that the education of the child will solely be left in the hands of the teacher. Then we have those children whose parents are from different tribes. They will be expected to know both languages and if they stay in an area where neither of the parent’s languages is spoken they will be forced to add a third language.

 

The fact that government schools will be learning in local languages while private schools may still teach in English does not create a level playing field. This is because those students who begin learning English in grade 1 will have a head start over their counterparts. When counting your points in grade 12, English has to be included. Entry into universities and most colleges insist that you should have passed English. The issue now is that with so much emphasis placed on English why not start as early as grade 1 or there should not be as much weight placed on English in our grading system. Even though they may still claim that English will still be a subject, in the earlier grades it may not be sufficient.

 

The introduction of local languages in school leaves many questions unanswered. This is not a time to have wishful optimism that it will work if we impose it. We may just be creating a bigger problem than we found. In English, there is a word called Consultation, I wonder why it was never used in this case. By consultation I do not mean a group of 20 people seated in a room. There should have been debates, studies should have been under taken, and parents views should have been obtained, the teachers should have been part of it and the pupils too. There are other ways in which our culture could have been preserved without turning our children into guinea pigs to see if they will understand better in local languages.  If we do not have the capacity to help children learn more effectively whether in local languages or in English, then this is a hopeless cause.